So I wrote the title of this post. And then I logged out, because my granddaughter woke up from her nap.
And now it’s time for bed, and I’ve logged back in to stare at the blank page some more. What is it that I want–or don’t want–to say?
Maybe it has to do with a growing feeling of ambivalence in me. I’m not uncertain about what I believe, but I have lost the passionate desire to live it out. Has turning 50 done this to me? No, truth be told, it’s been coming on for quite awhile. The intense morning devotional times, the pages of conversation with God in my journal…those were fading away a couple of years before Lucy was born. Certainly I’m more tired now than I have ever been, with more aches and pains and no less responsibility to a variety of commitments. But getting up early to be with the Lord is no longer a high priority, and it makes me sad. Inviting people to church, even though I love my church, has no urgency. And telling people about Jesus–never my strong suit to begin with–just doesn’t happen.
I’ve been a Christ-follower for 28 years. What has happened to me? It certainly isn’t that I’m acting in my own strength…more and more, I know that I can’t. As the director of a faith-based theater company, I know the power of prayer, I delegate better than I used to, I praise God for the widening network of volunteers, resources and partnerships we have developed. As a full-time grandma, I love conversations about God with Lucy…but when she evinces no great interest, I’m not really alarmed.
I forget to pray for my adult sons, who are not walking with the Lord. I cry less. I have lost much of my appetite for spiritual food. I have shelves full of intriguing books which I have not read, as well as profound books which I should probably read again. But I don’t. What is wrong with me? Spiritual apathy, perhaps a form of acedia, has set in. I go through the motions–church, worship team, grace before meals (sometimes)…once in a while, when praying for a particular person or need, I feel a momentary connection. But it is fleeting. Every so often, a song will hit me just the right way and I open my heart (and usually bawl my eyes out)–but it is so seldom nowadays.
Is this what growing old in the Lord is supposed to be? I sincerely doubt it. I certainly hope not. But I am at a loss as to what in the world to do about it. Or rather–I can think of a number of things (they’re called spiritual disciplines and I’ve read a LOT about them), but I can’t muster up much enthusiasm for any of them.
Maybe my biggest problem is that I haven’t asked for prayer about this. So, my little following of…20, is it?…this is my cry for help, as loud as I can yelp at the moment. It’s not a last gasp. I don’t think the Lord is finished with me yet. But something’s gotta give…and I’m pretty sure it’s me.